Latrines And Heirs
by TolkienScribe
Summary: Thranduil finds himself in a strange and yet amusing situation. One-shot. Complete. Part of the Green Leaves Universe. Please read and review. :)
**Latrines And Heirs**

 **Summary** : Thranduil finds himself in a strange and yet amusing situation.

 **Rating:** PG-18, everyone. PG-18. :P

This is... haha! I don't have the words.

All of my stories are interconnected unless mentioned otherwise, but you do not need to read one to understand the other.

Reviews are awesome. Flames aren't.

Enjoy!

 **~S~**

Thranduil took a cautious peek into the room and found his wife pacing restlessly in front of the fireplace. He ducked out of the doorway and looked at questionably at Milwen.

"Arodien has been like this for nearly the whole day." His wife's friend said to him in concern. She was smaller, shorter and plumper than most Ellyth with dark brown hair and big brown eyes. "She wouldn't say what plagues her, but she is restless."

"I thought it was common for mother to be anxious this near to childbirth."

"Yes, but," Milwen worried her lower lip. "Speak to her, please?" Thranduil softened.

"Very well," Thranduil conceded. Milwen nodded and scurried off, leaving Thranduil on his own. He stepped inside and was greeted with warmth of the fireplace coupled with the chilly winter breeze from the open window. He blocked his wife's path. He looked down at his wife and found her forehead was creased lightly. He reached up and smoothened the lines, brushing back her black hair in the process.

"What has caught my wife's attention that she concerns herself over it?" Thranduil asked softly. She shook her head and folded her arms- or tried to- over her bulge.

"Did you know that one can give birth anywhere and anytime?" She asked him. Thranduil looked at her, nonplussed. Then he nodded.

"Of course. That is why it is said the babe does not wait to be born but rather is born on its own choosing."

"And sometimes there is pain."

"Is that what worries you? The pain?"

Once again, Arodien frowned. "No. That is not what worries me. Did you know sometimes a mother can give birth without labour pains?"

Thranduil began to think there was more to her questions than he first realised.

"I did not know that." He answered in as normal a tone as he could manage. He hid his confusion as best as he could. "But is it not better to have no birthing pains? I hear some mothers find birthing traumatising."

Arodien paced around him until she came back in front of him and wrung her hands in frustration.

"Well, sometimes, it is possible to give birth without realising you are in labour." Arodien said.

"Arodien, what is this about?"

"Well, I am half-afraid I might give birth of I use the latrines." She said in a rush.

The thought of his child, squeezed out and slipped into the latrine, that will no doubt result into a deranged panic was terrifying and strangely amusing at the same time. Thranduil was unable to stop an inappropriate laugh from escaping his throat.

Arodien slapped him hard on his chest.

"Horrid beast!" She cried. "That is your child and heir you are laughing at!"

"I am not laughing at my child!" He protested. He successfully hid the second laugh by clearing his throat loudly. "Well, granted, it is rather a grave thought to ponder on, especially if our latrine would be clogged by a new-born."

"Thranduil!"

"The pipelines running through the palace are a sensitive matter. A child down them would complicate things."

"Thranduil!"

"Really, Armes," he called her with the affectionate name he gave her, "where did you learn of this? Or did you conjure the thought by your own imagination?"

"I did no such thing! The women accompanying the delegation from Men living by our forest mentioned it to me." Thranduil early snorted but held it back for his wife's sake.

"Well, perhaps they do not possess as much restraint as we do." Thranduil said as casually as he could manage.

"Oh, Thranduil, a female is built largely the same way regardless of her race," Arodien said.

Thranduil began to wonder he became the part of this discussion. He seriously struggled not to laugh.

"I am sure you will know the difference between your child's body and your..." Thranduil searched for a decent word, "personal needs." He finished lamely. Arodien gifted him with a single eyebrow raised skeptically.

"Well, all the doors are fit together, who is to say which one opens when you force your strength down on them?"

Thranduil choked, sputtered and stared at her in open-mouthed horror. Arodien primly rubbed her fingers together and inspected her nails.

"Arodien, you didn't!" Thranduil exclaimed, reddening.

"Oh Thranduil, you are my husband. You know more about me than any other." Arodien said dismissively. "Don't pretend to be so scandalised."

Thranduil was, in fact, thoroughly mortified. His wife took one look at her and laughed.

"You are blushing," Arodien said. Her grin was ear to ear. Thranduil placed one cool hand on his cheek and felt the warmth. Her smile then disappeared and she shifted uneasily foot to foot. Then she gave a soft squeak.

"Armes, my love, what else is there that you are hiding from me?" This time it was Arodien who blushed and she looked away. He heard a mumble escaping her lips and he leaned closer to hear.

"I have the strong need to use the latrine."

Thranduil threw back his head and guffawed. Arodien responded with a hard slap on his chest again. He winced, even if it barely hurt, and continued to laugh.

"It is a wonder I married you!" She cried. "You are nothing but a fiend for laughing at your poor wife who is pregnant with your child!" Thranduil shook his head and rubbed his hands on his cheeks to soothe his aching muscles. He winked at her, still smiling.

"Well, I assume the only solution is that you use the latrine-"

"Did you not hear a single word that I said-"

"-and that I stand here and wait," Thranduil finished. His voice began to quake with mirth, "so that if you do suddenly give birth without meaning to, I will be nearby to fish my child out of the..." Thranduil searched for an appropriate word. Then he laughed. "Well, you know." He took his wife's hand and escorted her to the door of their bathing chamber. He opened the door and stood by the doorway. He gave a half-salute. "For you, my lady."

Arodien glared at him. Thranduil raised his eyebrows invitingly. Neither of them desisted. Finally Arodien looked away.

"Insufferable goon," she muttered to him. She stalked inside with her head held high as if she were entering a ballroom for an appearance instead of a bathing chamber for a latrine. Arodien's prim voice called him, "Do close the door and replace yourself outside." Thranduil shook his head and grinned before complying. He leaned his back against the wall and folded his arms in front of his chest while he waited. The door opened and Arodien entered, her hand resting on her swollen belly.

"Done?" He asked with a smirk. His wife threw him a dark look.

"I despise you," Arodien told him.

"No child for me to pick up?"

"No!"

"Pity," he drawled. "I would have loved to tell my firstborn precisely how he was born!"

Arodien grabbed a cushion and threw it at him. Thranduil ducked and it sailed past him.

"Trust a husband to jest about such matters!" Thranduil laughed.

"You have to admit," he insisted. "It is funny."

Arodien's lips twitched lightly upwards but she shook her head.

"Perhaps after I am done birthing."

"It would have been somewhat amusing if it truly happens, though." Thranduil said thoughtfully.

"Thranduil!"

 **~S~**

 **Author's Note:**

There is no way I can explain myself. :D

Blame my friends with their medical backgrounds and inventive imaginations for this. XD


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